When the life that worked no longer feels enough…

illustration by Yan Nascimbene

Why recurrent dissatisfaction, overwhelm, or disconnection might be a developmental signal...

Julia expressed a certain exasperation when she came to me for coaching work a few years ago. The sense of sadness and loss that inhabited her was palpable. Next to the reality of a successful career woman, a dedicated and loving mother and wife, I also saw a vulnerable and humble human being, who had been brought to her knees by what she could not understand within herself nor fix in her relationship with her husband. Highly educated, keenly self-aware, thoughtful, and willing to take responsibility for what was going on, Julia was nonetheless mired in self-blame, guilt, and rage.

: : : When the life that worked no longer feels enough : : :

In my experience as a life coach and relationship guide, the life you’ve invested months and years into developing can and do stop working. Sometimes this is sudden, like being blindsided by a request for divorce from your spouse, or being made redundant by an unexpected economic downturn. More often than not, however, the process of deterioration have been going on for years due to a one-sided focus on work or family, or neglect of one’s health or relationships. While some of this may be due to conscious choice, it is often the result of a avoidance of what one is not “good at”, and a consequence of inertia.

When the juice of life runs dry, the “doers” and “take-control” folks may seek external changes and “better” arrangements in their work or personal life, while the “intellectuals” and “philosophers” will reflect and introspect, sometimes endlessly, as a way to tackle the problem.

Are these the only two options we have? Just what might be the problem underneath a life that no longer works the way you are familiar with?

In a more subtle but more accurate manner, I’d attribute the cause or the source of deterioration due to certain aspect(s) of one’s personality. Specifically, it would be an aspect of yourself that used to be helpful but is now clearly no longer suited for the challenges at hand.

illustration by Yan Nascimbene

: : : The Deeper Issue : : :

While the symptoms of a life that is no longer “working” can include recurrent anxiety (“overwhelm”), numbness (“disconnection”), a sense of futility and discontentment (“dissatisfaction”), the deeper issue will be something else. Note the keyword here is “recurrent”. We all have the occasional stressful and down-trodden moments. But if they become recurrent, it is time to look deeper underneath the surface and heed the call as a developmental signal from yourself.

Just what do you find when you look deeper? In Julia’s case, she had been experiencing a consistent lack of motivation and fulfilment at work despite being good at it. Meanwhile, she had also been feeling helpless and profoundly sad for some time in her marriage which was falling apart. In talking to Julia about her own understanding of the causes, she named her own tendencies for trying to control and fix things, and the way she sought power and recognition in her marriage.

Plainly speaking, the urge to control and fix things, and the need for power and recognition are natural reactions that come from the way we are raised, educated, and socialised. Everyone, without exception, has his or her own way to achieve control, a feeling of safety, or a measure of self-worth. The deeper issues that I’ve worked with my clients on generally point to the maladapted ways to satisfy a basic human need. The needs themselves are not wrong, but the way we do it can create damage relationally and otherwise.

Therefore, the developmental signal, or the deeper issue, in this case is related to better understanding one’s natural and essential needs, and finding new ways to satisfy these needs in a healthy and generative manner, which accounts for the needs of others too. All of this coaching and personal development work is about guiding and attuning to the healthy expression of natural human needs and motives, rather than responding to a life gone awry with the mechanically cold notion of “fixing” yourself because there is something “wrong” with you.

illustration by Yan Nascimbene

: : : A Useful Practice : : :

What can you do to understand and address the sense or symptoms of “something” is no longer working in your life? One simple but powerful way to investigate things is to befriend your emotions, or your “inner signals” which will express itself as feelings and physical sensations. This means you treat all of the “things” you can discern in your inner world as “guests” — be it anxiety or a sense of dread or anything else, you can learn to get to know their messages.

For example, the next time a recurrent feeling visits you, which may be anxiety accompanied by a tight or heavy feeling in your stomach, you can take your journal (yes, I highly recommend keeping a journal) and write down, “hi [fill in the blank with your feeling and bodily sensation], thank you for your presence. What is the message you have for me? I am listening.”

The underlying attitude and posture to take, if you want beneficial information to be yielded by this “interaction” between you and your feelings-physical-sensation, is to assume “they” have something useful to say, and that they are here to help you in some way. What I’m describing in this paragraph is crucial, which cannot be overstated in its importance. You might consider the possibility that there is an “inner therapist” or “inner coach” that you have which knows how to guide you.

illustration by Yan Nascimbene

: : : Closing Thoughts : : :

Back to the the story of Julia, and over the two or so years I worked with her, we traversed the rugged emotional terrain of despair, anger, psychological pain, and more. It was not an easy road as she dealt with the state of her marriage and the changes happening in her life. A lot of personal development work was done to access an ever expanding sphere of self-awareness so that Julia may confront how she behaves at a sub-conscious level. By doing so, Julia was able to listen to her husband differently, to be more vulnerable in expressing herself, as well as forgive to a greater extent than she had been able.

In the end, did “life” improve for Julia? That will be up to her to say. What I am willing to say is that Julia did make progress, and that she now has a much stronger basis than before to recreate her life in a more meaningful and fulfilling manner. This may not seem like much to some of the readers, but I would take the growing pains it is required so that I am no longer mired in the same life-depleting patterns. Of course, the assumption here is I trust the raison d’être and direction of my growth, and I’m willing to invest time and energy to support it.

For those who share my attitude and inclination, I know that you know the outward rewards and achievements are only meaningful for a brief moment, whereas the quality and depth of your life deserves equal attention and it requires constant maintenance. Taking care of our inner life, along with the outer one, is how we can bring that flowing river back into our lives.